Not Your X's... But Your Y's
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Bob Cooley sharing his thoughts on dating, chemistry and different types of relationships.
Genetic Personality Types and Different Types of Relationships, Getting Perspective From Others About Your Emotional Desires and Who You’re Dating, Maturing What You Know Satisfies You, Balancing Types, Learning From Past and Present Relationships to Mature and Develop Yourself
(Revised and Edited For Easier Readability and Additional Clarity)
Let's talk about who you're dating or have dated or will date. Let's talk about that. Well, the most unusual thing about dating and who you date is that nobody has any education about who to date. They're educated about what schools to go to, what subjects to study, professional jobs, food, nutritional products, but dating, there's no data. So why are people expecting themselves to date and be really successful at it? I think that's the wrong strategy. So let's get some education about dating and who to date and what to do about that situation.
First of all, I think it's really important when you date somebody that you have an extremely positive attitude about the whole situation. You want to really value that person in a lot of different ways and discover them. You'll want to eat great food, go to great places, travel, have great friends and go to great events. I mean, you really want to celebrate the life of being with whoever you're with. That's a really important thing to do so you can really discover each other and develop each other in all those different situations.
What most people don't know about is that most people are born as a genetic type. And what that means is that the moment the sperm and egg join, the type is created. And there's 16 of those. I have a book on that called "The 16 Geniuses: 16 Genetic Personality Types" coming out this fall. So when you date somebody, they're not just a person. They're a particular type. And that type has certain high personality qualities and low personality qualities and you do also. So when you pick a person, for whatever reason you're choosing them or picking them, what happens is that they have, by nature, really positive traits associated with them. Some people are just naturally really honest. Other people are very intelligent in certain ways; problem solvers, good thinkers, athletic, community-based, have high moral values. They have really very different traits. So when you're with somebody, that particular person is going to present something you could learn a lot about and it might be the reason why you're attracted to them. And them for you! And so you might as well learn what their nice qualities are and really, besides enjoying them, learn how to have those qualities yourself.
And then of course the unusual thing that everybody knows is that there's chemistry between two people. That means this type and that type, when you put them together, create a type of relationship. And I've identified 16 of those. So people, when they get together, could be very creative together. They could be very romantic together. They could be very intimate together. They could be good at problem-solving. They could be really good politically together. There's a nature of that chemistry that happens. And so people need to really kind of own up, not just what each person is like, but what the nature of the relationship is. And then celebrate and develop that part of the relationship. That might be why you're involved in that relationship because maybe that relationship helps both people be creative or more honest or have better spiritual values. There's a reason behind the chemistry.
The other thing that's really important about dating is that you should always use your friends when you're dating. So when you date somebody, you should always talk to your best friends and have them evaluate not just the person you're dating, but you! So if you say, "I really like her," or, "I really like him," do your friends think you do? Why don't you get perspective on what you think you desire and let them give you perspective on whether they think you really desire that or not. That's a pretty unusual thought. Now in another context you might say, "I really want this orange. I really like oranges." Do you ever ask people, "Do I look like I want oranges?" I think you need perspective on your emotional desires and you can get it from your best friends and you can get it from your enemies. So it's a really important thing to get, I think.
Also, if you know what type that person is or if they remind you of another person that's like them, go talk to that person about the person you're dating. So in other words, all kinds of things start happening in the relationship, and you probably won't understand most of what's happening. So why not talk to somebody that's that type and say, "Hey, when Harold does this, it drives me crazy," or, "I love it when he does this," or, "Betty's beautiful when we do this." Why don't you ask people what that's about so you can actually understand that instead of thinking you have to figure it out yourself? I mean, people have been in relationships forever. Why not get data from everybody instead of just relying on yourself. It's not really a very good idea. Let's go get help from everybody else.
There's maturation in terms of dating. I mean everybody knows when you're younger that you might be attracted to somebody because of their hair or their intelligence or their shape or what they do or their sport or their religious preference. And then you find out that you really do like them because you both have a similar spiritual tradition you like to practice, but it's not the right person. And then you all get to support each other so you get to find the next person. As you're maturing, you're increasing your self-knowing of what you like. And then everybody knows that if you eat food, until you eat really amazing food, you don't really know what kind of food satisfies you. So why would you think that you're already satisfied or that you have to work super hard to get satisfaction in a relationship? It doesn't make sense. What makes sense is that you'd be in a relationship and you get to get satisfaction. And then sooner or later you actually know what really does satisfy you. And people are embarrassed about those things. Some people like people for physical reasons. Nothing wrong with that. Other people like people for emotional reasons; for their looks. Other people like people for analytical reasons; the person's smart. And other people like people because of their lifestyle. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with however you find yourself entering into your attraction to the other person. The thing is, it needs to get developed. And so sooner or later, it's going turn into you having all those four aspects identified; what you like about the person physically, what you like about them psychologically (or their personality traits and that you desire more than other people like them), how you're attracted to them, what particular things really drive you crazy about them and make you really excited when you're with them, and then, spiritually, what kind of values and what kind of life they want to have. So sooner or later, you're going to have to mature. And what happens then is that you're better at making choices and you find people to date where it works much better for both of you. And at a certain point you're satisfied. This is good!
There's a funny thing I've seen happen, which is when two people are dating and one person finds other people attractive when they're walking around and the partner doesn't like that. Well, that doesn't really make sense. What makes sense is that if you're with somebody and you're walking around and they find somebody else attractive, they should go check that person out to find out whether or not they like that person better than you! And if they do, then you're free to be with who you need to be with and so are they. So jealousy is just someone is not being mature enough to let the other person be free so that they can find out what they're actually attracted to. That would be good for everybody, right?
So the concept is as you continue to mature, you're going to become more balanced. And there is a type that works for everyone that's good for a long-term intimate relationship. And that person tends to be the same type as your unconscious which is the type that balances your qualities. So if you tend to like to work a lot, that other person likes to play a lot. And that kind of balances each other. Some people like to be very creative and other people like to be very comfortable. They tend to balance. Some people like power and strength and other people are very good at being controlling and being more principle-minded. And they seem to attract each other because one person's most conscious traits are the most unconscious part in the other person (and vice-versa) and those qualities balance each other. So ultimately, that's called your balancing type. But before that, have a ball! Date everybody you can imagine. Find out what they're actually like. Find out what you're like because that's how you find out about yourself.
The unusual thing about emotionality (and I think people know this about thinking) is that when you think about something and you want to develop your thinking, you put your thinking out there. Other people add to your thinking and then in the process of them adding to your thinking, your thinking gets developed. Well emotionality is just like that. So when you like somebody and you put it out that you like them, their response creates a chemical change in you that matures you so that you know what you actually like. So this emotional maturity thing has to happen through engaging with other people.
So what I like to say to people about dating is that you're investing your life and their life together, so it doesn't make any sense that, if it doesn't work out or if you both decide that you need something else, why can it an ex? I don't think you want to ex out part of your life. It doesn't make sense. Why ask yourself why were you ever with them? And why were they with you? Why don't we call them your "why's" instead? Let's put it in the real context because why were you with them and why were they with you is what gets you to know how to get into ultimate satisfaction. So let's call them not your ex's, but your why's. Have a great time dating.