Turning Lust Into Intimacy

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Bob Cooley explaining the process of maturing feelings of lust into true and satisfying intimacy.

Thinking, Emotional

Intimacy as the Initial Form of All Attraction, Association Between the Sexual Meridian/Type and Intimacy, Maturing and Interfacing With Your Attractions and Desires, Transmuting Negative Emotions into Positive Emotions, Defining Lust, Time and the Retroactive Nature of Processing Emotions, Getting Perspective and Help From the People Around You, Accepting and Processing Past Experiences, Figuring Out What Really Satisfies You, More Balanced Intimacy

Sexual, Brain

Overly Horny, Bad Moods, Feelings of Low Self Worth, Anxiety, Dissatisfaction

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Transcript

(Revised and Edited For Easier Readability and Additional Clarity)

Let's talk about turning lust into intimacy. Now, the whole concept of sex and sexuality, particularly in the West, has some history that makes it a little more complicated than in some other countries. But let's make it simple. Essentially when you're attracted to somebody, that genetic personality type that's associated with sex, the Sexual Type (the genius of intimacy), is telling you that your initial attraction is not a physical form of sex. It's an attraction to something special about that person. And that specialness is something that's inside of them that gets demonstrated and presented and acted on the outside. But at that moment, you're having an intimacy with that person.

 

Later, after the primary attraction has occurred, it then gets differentiated into things like romance or the physical form of sex or into very deeply liking the person. So, it's important to know that when you develop the muscle groups associated with the Sexual Meridian in traditional Chinese medicine (which begin down in your toes/feet and come up the center of your lower leg and thigh and then come up the front center of your torso and up into the inside of your mouth).

 

As you develop those muscles, you'll find people becoming more and more attractive. I think most people think they're only attracted to a couple people and very rarely do they find people attractive. That's not what happens when you make that Sexual Meridian more flexible, strong and healthy; where your endocrine system gets stronger and you're finding more and more people attractive and then you have to develop social skills to interface with them and engage with them so that you can mature your feelings.

 

Now I think most people know that if you want to study something and learn about something, you do that by taking the ideas that you have and that other people have and you put them out there to other people and their ideas can mix with your ideas and that's how you mature your thinking. But I think a lot of people think that their emotionality is something they do inside of themselves. Well, everything's done inside because you are inside here, but actually if you want to mature emotionally you have to engage in some way with the object of attraction and in the process of doing that you find out what it means to be attracted to that. Now, it's different for different people. For some people when they're attracted to somebody, in order to mature that, they have to keep looking at the person. Some people need touch and contact with the person they're attracted to to mature that. Other people just need to hear the person. Other people need to just kind of live with the person energetically to see in order to identify what that attraction actually means. The important part about the attraction is that if you're actually engaging with who you're actually finding attractive and can receive them being attracted to you; the two sides of that ballgame, right? So, some people have a real easy time engaging with somebody they're attracted to, but are not so good at entertaining or receiving other people attracted to them. So, whichever one you're not good at is the one you have to get good at, right? And that Sexual Meridian muscle group will teach you how to do that.

 

And then, when you are with people that you're attracted to and you're engaging with them, it will start to change your feelings about that and your thoughts. So now you know that in order to develop your emotionality, just like how you develop your thinking, you do it out here with other people. It can't happen by you thinking you're gonna do it inside. So, if you like somebody, you've got to tell them you like them. And if you find something attractive about their hair or their body or their personality, you have to tell them in order to mature.

 

The interesting thing about attraction is that the base for attraction is not actually physical, it's intelligence. The emotional type, the emotional part of the person is where intelligence is housed. And so that's really the root of the attraction initially, is that person's intelligence. And then it gets differentiated into a physical aspect, a spiritual aspect and a psychological aspect instead.

 

Again, the concept is that you take any negative emotion, whether it's an addiction to something or a lust or an obsession, whatever of those that you're having, those are the compost that have to be transmuted in order to produce the opposite high traits. So when somebody looks at another person and has lustful feelings towards that person and they have sexual imagination or fantasies that they consider totally inappropriate to be having, the question is, what do you do with that when you have that? And instead of thinking you're wrong or bad, you have to know that the people that are the most relaxed about intimacy are actually the best at processing what other people might consider perverse sexual imaginations or fantasies about another person. They process those really quickly and therefore aren't stuck in them. The harder ones to process are the positive feelings you have towards a person, not the things that are lustful instead. So if you want to develop emotional maturity, you actually have to engage with the object of your attraction in order to process what you have going on and different parts of you are going to show up. The imagination's going to show up. The fantasies are going to show up. And then you're going to find out, oh my God, I thought I was attracted to this person because I wanted to physically have sex with them and I found out, though I find them attractive, I'm not attracted to them in that way. I'm actually very happy that they're attractive for somebody else, but not me. I'm attracted to them because I really like that they're smart about business and I love being around them because they can help me with that and nobody else can do it just like them.

 

So I think everybody knows that you go to the movies with some people and you feel totally satisfied and you go with somebody else and you're not satisfied. The person you're with really matters and so does the place that you go to when you do those things. So when you want to mature your emotionality or your intimacy, you're going to run into some of the negatives like lust. And all lust means is that you haven't been satisfied for too long and now you're really super charged. So it looks like anything's going really do it for you and you're probably going to think about it in physical terms. No problem. All I'm saying is that if you stay out and keep interfacing with that person in as best appropriate way as you can handle doing, you're going to mature yourself emotionally and know what you're actually attracted to.

 

There's another thing to know about emotionality and that is that only one form of emotionality happens in present time. Most of it is occurring the next day. So when you meet somebody and you find somebody really attractive, the next day you might know more about it. Don't expect to know about it on that day. There is another part of emotionality where you already know in advance what you're attracted to and so you're kind of already set up for when that happens. But in general, emotionality is very past and retroactive. And so give yourself time. Say you find somebody super attractive and you would just give up your whole life to be with that person. As ridiculous as that idea is for you, that's how you feel. Well then the next time you see the person, bring other people and let those other people keep that person kind of busy while you hang back and process your feelings. And then, all of a sudden, snap, and you're going to be like, "Oh my God, that person's really attractive, but I'm not attracted to them in the way I thought I was." So, get your friends to help you develop your emotionality. I mean, I think everybody knows that one of the best people to be with is a buddy, a girlfriend or a boyfriend, that when you go out, they can actually kind of help you process who you're attracted to. They can go talk to the guy or girl and then you can see how that person's actually behaving more. So you really do need other people to do this thing.

 

So, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself and be so judgmental about yourself or critical about feelings of lust or even your past experiences where you were involved in lust because in the past, when you involved yourself in lust, the most obvious thing that happens is that you realize you're not satisfied afterwards. And then, if you can accept the fact you did whatever that horrific thing you're judging yourself for (which is probably not that bad), what ends up happening is that you start recognizing what was positive about the experience. "Well, that person had really nice hair." Or, "They were really smart. I'm glad I got to meet them." All the other negative parts, I mean, we get that's happening. But can you connect into what was actually good about that event? Because that's what you're really going take home from that event. So, instead of giving yourself such a hard time about when you act out of lustful feelings towards another person, I already know from my own past experience that the first thing you're going to do is start thinking, "What was good about it?" The obvious part that was wrong is obvious, so that's already done. The work on that's done. And then, once you start accepting more and more about what was happening, you start to get ideas about a better way, better ideas of what to do when you actually are horny or really feeling socially deprived or whatever is happening for you.

 

Remember that when you're acting out of lust, what's really happening is that you've been unsatisfied for so long that you're in a pretty bad mood whether you know it or not. And that's making you pretty desperate and probably making you feel like you have low feelings of self worth. So, okay, that's what's happening. And instead of you waiting so long to engage with people you're attracted to and instead engaging with them sooner, the more you do that the more you develop self worth. "I'm so glad." Haven't you heard everybody do this? "I'm so glad I talked to her, even though I don't like her. I'm so glad I talked to her." "I'm so proud of myself for talking to that guy. I'm so glad I did that. I thought he was the dream boat of the century and then I found out he's a dream boat, but I didn't want that kind of boat." And everybody should be proud of themselves for actually interfacing with that intense fear and anxiety they had to do just to engage with somebody that they find attractive that most other people probably don't.

 

It is pretty funny when you go out as a group of guys and you go to some place where there's a lot of people and you think that your other guy friends are going to find the same people attractive that you do, but they don't. They're attracted to something else and you're like, "Whew. I'm so glad I don't have to be with that person." But, it's great for the person that does find them attractive. And so you get to see this chemistry between different types of people and how one person actually needs somebody that's very devoted, whereas somebody else needs somebody that's really peaceful and somebody else needs somebody that's very powerful and somebody else needs somebody that's very kind of perfectionistic and friendly. People really are kind of hard-wired to be attracted to a very specific type of person, not that everybody isn't great and that you can have different kinds of relationships with different people, but there seems to be some kind of chemistry going on that you're born with that will tell you when this intimate relationship is really going to work for you and when you're truly satisfied. And like anything else, if you eat lower quality food and then one day you eat some organic lamb tenderloin from New Zealand, you're like, "That hit the spot. That's a food I really like." Or, "I found these incredible pomelos. Oh, they're so delicious compared to a grapefruit." It's only after that you know what you really like.

 

And so until you actually find that chemistry that works between you and the other person, don't assume you have to work really hard at the relationship to make it work. It's not like that. You're looking for that chemistry that's really easy, where the communication is really easy between the two people, where what you like they like you liking that and then they like other things besides what you like and the two lives start developing because it's a much more balanced form of intimacy. I think that's what people are looking for. Okay, see how that goes.